if i ever needed an outlet, it's today. i'm so happy we started this blog. i went on a dinner date with a friend from school. i specifically wanted to go to dinner with her because i've always respected her healthy approach to student life. now that she has graduated and is a full-time working woman, i was curious to see how her habits have changed. i was happy to hear that she continues to strive for balance in all that she does. she had the guts to order a smoothie plus dessert instead of an entree (because she had eaten a large lunch) - something i always find difficult to do in a social setting. after talking with her, i came home motivated and refreshed. then i drowned myself in chocolate.
as i read the numerous blogs i've grown so attached to every morning, i'm starting to become frustrated with the discrepancy between these 'successful' women and myself. although i realize that the reason they are successful is because they have the ability to moderate and maintain (it's never about extremes), i feel like i can't rest until i reach that point. angela (oh she glows) makes the striking observation that her previous life was always about exercising more, eating less - an unsustainable pattern. this, unfortunately, is where i currently find myself.
dairy is not my friend - and i know this. yet, allow me the indulgence. today i made some delicious homemade balsamic chocolates. a bit o' cream. some dark chocolate. balsamic inside. marvelous. my approach could use some perfecting: next time, less cream for less of a runny consistency, and i think i'll let the balsamic cool a bit longer before dripping it onto the chocolate. i layered it in an ice-cube tray - ganache, balsamic reduction, more chocolate. allow to set. dust with cacao powder. consume.
..and i consumed too many. first i started by eating all the ones that didnt look 'perfect'. then i ate a couple more because they tasted so good. then i ate a couple more because i was so pissed with myself. i remembered a similar incident last year with date squares (i went through an intense date square phase - i must have tried 20 recipes). i thought to myself 'this is how i undo the summer. this is me failing'. then my mind wandered over to the blog world, and i thought 'those women wouldn't be doing this'. all of this brings me to my point on labeling. clearly, this is a problem. does this mean that i have a problem? i ate chocolate that i didn't want to eat, and i was subsequently wracked with guilt. do i walk around telling people that i have an eating disorder? probably not, but i think it is of utmost importance for me to contemplate and identify what drives this behavior if i am to achieve long-term success.
i've come so far with combatting my OCD by labeling it. talking about it with friends. acknowledging the reality of the disorder. i continue to struggle with it on a daily basis, but knowing that it is real helps me through the ups and downs. the same thing needs to happen with my eating. for now, i'm ok with saying that i have a disordered relationship with food. to quote an acquaintance from the gym: 'i love food, but i'm terrified of it'. totally terrified. all i can do tonight is communicate these thoughts to you. nurse my sugar headache. go do my laundry, and hop on the treadmill during the spin cycle. why the treadmill? only because i had planned to previously. recall the tearful post cheesecake factory elliptical experience? never again. i'll run tonight because it makes me feel good.
short and sweet - i'm going to bake two coconut cranberry loaves tomorrow. one for myself, one as a housewarming gift for the boy. i will have a piece and enjoy it. the rest will be sliced up and frozen. i will not deprive myself. i will not overindulge. this is a huge, if simple, challenge.
bon voyage, darling. please have some italian balsamic for me the minute you step off the plane!
pumpkin black bean soup. collard greens. september issue of self magazine.